The Joker - America's Politically Incorrect Humor Magazine

Sexy Horoscopes
by Alaina Loughridge

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
No one likes you and you know why. Pull yourself together or your friends will never speak to you again. Just because you are right doesn’t mean that everyone wants to hear about it. Pull your reins in and close your cake hole.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Wow! You did get your act together! I’m impressed. However, you’re planet is gonna fall from the sky this month. I’m not gonna lie, you are gonna trip over your big toe and fall flat on your face, squash your nose, and embarrass yourself beyond repair. Your reputation is gonna be ruined (not that it’s in pristine condition anyway). No worries though. Someone else will do something equally stupid next week and everyone will forget about you (except at office Christmas parties).

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Trying to piece together the puzzle of the night before is difficult. It’s gonna get better. Promise. Although, Uranus is not pleased. Just know it’s o.k. to cry when they are putting you in the back of the patrol car. Don’t forget to duck your head. Also, stop telling all your friends the truth. They no likey.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Hmmm. You are being overly kind. That’s unusual and makes people nervous. Stop it. Ask for what you want and more than likely you will get it. Just be extremely careful what you ask for. God does not like half assers.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are acting like a reformed smoker. Stop it. You are pissing people off with your holier than thou attitude. Just because you’re better than everyone else (do you sense sarcasm?) doesn’t mean you have to shove it their face. You are gonna get an ass beating and will full on deserve it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
It’s totally not cool to call your ex and leave a voice mail of just background laughter. You are a stalker and can go to prison for that shit. Go see a therapist. As you love to talk about yourself, you will benefit greatly.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Wipe the tears off your face and come to terms with the fact that it’s only life. You have taken the wrong exit on the freeway. Get back on the on ramp and deal with thyself. Tissue is no longer required. However, perhaps a moist towelette is.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Darling Leo. I don’t know whether to slap you or hug you. Perhaps I’ll do both. You are gonna be fabulous and horrendous at the same time. I think numerous drugs are gonna be involved. Sweet! Just don’t get caught.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not quite sure how to tell you this so I’m just gonna come out with it: Stop being a ______, _______, _______, ______. Fill in your own blank. Everyone hates you and it’s well deserved. I know that you need to come to terms, but you’re not doing it properly. The universe despises you and will continue to do so until you stop being a bitch.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
Oh my. You have it together but it’s not cohesive. I’ll bring the glue, you bring the toothpicks and tampons. Between you and a friend, you will form a cohesive bond. Be prepared for unexpected events that involve sex and money. It will be amazing if you have enough money.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
God I love you! You so stepped up to the plate. Although, your secretive nature and jealousness is causing your significant other to cheat on you. So what? They were an asshole anyway. Pick up your dignity and pride and go forth.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Here’s the deal Saggie: You are everyone’s kicking post. The more you let them, the more they are going to do it. Why do you think you are complaining to your co-workers all the time? It’s because you’re getting screwed from your family and loved ones. Put your foot on someone’s neck and stand up for yourself or your gonna be miserable.