A: Don’t run. Find a black midget, strap antlers on his noggin, and present him to your fiancée as wedding gift. Then break out the lotion and the video camera and make your own video. Youporn.com might be interested.
 

Q: Why is it so hard to find a quality person to date?

A: Hmm … the age old question. Pick one: Quality or quantity? You want big penis and big brains at the same time? Those don’t coincide in the same body. We’ve checked. By the time you find it (assuming it’s a possibility) you will be so old you won’t care anymore and neither will we. Not to mention if you do care at that point you won’t be able to do anything about it anyway – you being in the nursing home and all.
 

Q: Does size really matter?

A: Yes it does. As does the size of your ass, tits, guts, wallet, house, ears, nostrils, nipples, feet, bald spot, yacht, balls, debt, and baggage (more than 2 kids and 2 ex’s is not cool and, in fact, it is completely unacceptable).
 

Q: I really like my best friend’s boyfriend. What do I do?

A: Sleep with him and get it out of your system. Your friend will forgive you. If not, that’s not much of a friend now is it? If you have a question for Slim & Clarice, please email them at nobullshit@jokeronline.com.