Joker Blog
Welcome to the Joker Blog! Here you will find the funniest, most terrible things that we can find. Enjoy…
Blog
- Classic Disney Joke
Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.
“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,”
proclaimed the judge.
“But your Honor,” he said, “I didn’t say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was fucking Goofy!” - The Stock Show
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.” The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
- Orange Penis
A guy goes to a doctor and says,
“Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.”
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange.
Doc tells the guy,
“This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
“How are things going at work?”
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds,
“No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.”
So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
He asks the guy,
“How’s your home life?”
The guy says,
“Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says,
“No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!”
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires,
“Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”
The guy replies, “No, not really.
Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks
and munch on Cheetos!” - democrat check list
You Might Be A Democrat If…
You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”
You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
You can’t talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
You’ve never been mugged.
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
You think the Great Society has actually worked.
You got teary-eyed during the film “The American President.”
You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
Your High School Year Book goals included the words “help people.”
You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
You know at least one Vegan.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
You’d rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
You think the anti-war protestors from ’60s are the real heroes.
You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer’s stash.
You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
You admire the Swedish welfare system.
You know that Jefferson really meant to say “Entitled to Happiness.”
You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.” - Early Rising
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows “Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!”
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers “LOOSEN RANKS!”
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. “Did that hurt, Mister?” the Captain demands.
“No, SIR!” the recruit shouts.
“Why not?” barks the Captain.
“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, SIR!”
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. “Did that hurt, Mister?”
“No, SIR!”
“Why not?” “Because I’m a U.S. Marine, SIR!”
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. “Did that hurt, Mister?”
“No, SIR!”
“Why not?”
“Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!” - Keep Trying
One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?” - Fart Joke
A man went to the doctor and said – “Doctor, whenever I fart there’s no smell”. The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said – “Yes, I think I know what the problem is”, went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked – “Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?”, to which the doctor replied – “I’m going to open the window – you’ve got something wrong with your nose!”.
- new car, new life
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer. - nuclear power
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?” - The Fan Club
A young, handsome man went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asked, “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.” - animal hubandry
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?” She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.” He frowned for a moment, then said, “Okay.” He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?”
- memory lane
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing….
“I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!”
“I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!”
“I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!”
“But if you fuck one goat…….” - Saudi
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?” And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!” - Monks in the Garden
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring…… - Lost in the Middle of Nowhere
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbors?” and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”
- Catch Me If You Can!
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed my ass”, he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!” - A Wealthy Woman's Night Out
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed. “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!” - For the Ladies!!
1.What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
2.What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
3.Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4.How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
5.How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
6.How do men define a “50/50″ relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
7.How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
9.How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10.How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs. - Fixing the Fence
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me your bids.”
First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “I figure the job will run about $900 — $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700 — $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.” - At the Job Site
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!” - Firm it up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and slapped her ass and said, “You know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your god awful spanx.”
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
She rolled over and grabbed him by the dick and said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the window cleaner, and your brother.” - the question game
One day in school, the teacher decides to play the question game.
So the teacher says “OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red”
Little Suzy pipes up “I know, it’s a tomato”.
“No but you’re thinking, it’s an apple” replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says “I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it”
“Go to the principals office” says the teacher.
“No but you’re thinking”, say Johnny, “It’s a quarter” - Florida Supermarket
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some stupid person wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir, ” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really?” said the manager.”My wife is from Canada.”
“No shit?” replied the boy.”Who’d she play for?” - molested gator
A fella enters a bar carrying an alligator…..
He makes his way to the counter, turns around and announces: “Here’s a deal. You know what, I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will then close his mouth for one whole minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks oki?”
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and then puts his privates into the alligator’s mouth who shuts down on them. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator right on the top of the head. The gator suddenly opens wide, and the fella removes his genitals unscathed.
As planned everyone buys him drinks.
After a few more minutes he then says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone who’s willing to give it a try.”
A few more minutes go by and a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” - win $10,000
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says “win $10,000; ask bartender for details”.
He asks and the bartender says “well, you see that man at the end of the bar?”. The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says “if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step…
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three…
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker’s apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!”
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says “o.k., where’s the hooker with the sore tooth?”. - Viagra in the Nursing Home
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the nursing home.
” How are you grandpa? he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing,” he says,
” I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed - Problems with Beer? A Troubleshooting Guide:
SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM:Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.SYMPTOM:Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.SYMPTOM:Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.SYMPTOM:Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.SYMPTOM:Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.SYMPTOM:Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.SYMPTOM:Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar. - hitchhiking
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. “Excuse me, but I have to fart.” He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low “Hsssssss.” A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, “Excuse me, but I have to fart.” The announcement was followed by another low “Hsssssss.” “Jesus Fuckin Christ!” the truckie exclaimed. “You fairies can’t even fart like men. Listen to this.” A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse. “Ohhh!” one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. “You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!”
- New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- sip the vodka, don’t gulp
- there are 10 commandments, not 12
- there are 12 disciples, not 10
- Jesus was consecrated, not castrated
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass
- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook
- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say “eat me.”
- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the “mary with the cherry”
- the recommended grace before a meal is not: “rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God.”
- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s - Little Old Church Lady
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take HIM and HIM and HIM.” - just gross
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn’t care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little boy that asks “Sir, what’s under the newspaper?”
The man replies with “it’s a birdy and never ever touch it.”
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he’s in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the boy at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at his house asking what he had done. He said “well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it’s neck, stepped on it’s eggs, and burned it’s nest.” - 6 quick jokes for a saturday
1.Q. ) What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. ) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
2.Q. ) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. ) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
3.Q. ) What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A. ) You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
4.Q. ) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A. ) One of his fingers is clean.
5.Q. ) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. ) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
6.Q. ) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. ) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed. - Police Humor
Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.” George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth. - Where's Mom?
Three men are drinking in a bar when this old guy comes in and starts drinking next to them. After a while the old man turns to face the group of men, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, “I’ve fucked your Mom.” The three guys look bewildered and the old man goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he stares at them and announces, “Your Mom has sucked my cock.” The three guys try and ignore him and he goes back to his beer. After another ten minutes he looks at them again and shouts, “I’ve had your Mom up the ass!!!” By now the men have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, “Look, Dad, you’re drunk. Now go the fuck home.”
- oops
“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind — either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve,”It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!” - I am man!
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House.’
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’
His wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess.” - At the Bar
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
- You Might be a Liberal if...
1. You want to “Save Tibet” but all you’ll do is slap a bumper sticker on your car.
2. You want to ban all guns except those carried by your kid’s bodyguards. (Rosie O’Donnel)
3. You are against school vouchers for public school students, but send YOUR kids to private school.
4. You support alternative energy but don’t want the damn windmills spoiling the view from your backyard.
5. You think consenting adults can engage in every activity except CAPITALISM.
6. You want to outlaw cigarettes but legalize marijuana.
7. You see no problem with movie stars flying around in private jets to give speeches about global warming.
8. You support killing the unborn innocent but oppose killing the condemned.
9. You think marriage is obsolete-except for gays
10.You uphold a woman’s right to choose-unless she chooses adoption, home schooling, chooses to be a stay at home mom, or chooses to start a business
11.You believe that Nativity Scenes should be banned from view but with pornography one should choose to look the other way.
12.You value tolerance except for opinions you dislike! - The Reverend & Mrs. Jones
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation. - recovery
This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $20 was given to you to pay for the shirt.” The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $20 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $50 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.
- deductive reasoning
Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly”
Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”
New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That is right”
New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1: “Right again”
New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife”
Neighbor 1: “Correct”
New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual”
Neighbor 1: “Yup”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Cool”Later that same day…
Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No”
Neighbor 1: “Fag.” - Big & Little Love
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.” “Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. “If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”
- little johnny and susie
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.” Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance…Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that’ll do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far….” - View from the balcony
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making fucking.” Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked. “Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,” his son replied
- condom packs
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”
- Heaven's Gate
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”
The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.
“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….” - Starter Pistol
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Not that well…when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!” - John and Joe
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe’s boat sank on the same day that John’s wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:” I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.” Joe replied; ” Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! ” THE OLD LADY FAINTED. - Old Men
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ’cause my pee barely trickles out.”
“Heck, that’s nothing, ” said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible”.
The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don’t wake up till eleven.” - 40 year old scotch
A gentleman walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, “Now this is forty-year old Scotch!” The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this.”
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God! That tastes like piss,” he yells.
“Great guess,” says the drunk. “Now, how old am I?” - ABC's of Alcoholism
A – Alcohol: The key to surviving High school
B – Beer: It’s what’s for dinner…and breakfast and lunch
C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after last night’s party
D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F – F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G – Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H – Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I – Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid (after just three beers)
J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 am
K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M – Money: That which you no longer have due to two dollar draft nite at the bar
N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know…again
O – Oh sh*t!- What you say as you’re falling down the stairs
P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
Q – Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R – Reform: What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk… aww yea
T – Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinking
U – Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z – Zima: Zomething Different….Zomething Zucky…
- you might be a total douche...
if you tell someone I’m just paying for something I’ll call you right back then don’t call back
if you have ever worn a white belt
if you aren’t wearing a shirt in your facebook profile picture
if you wear white sunglasses
if you wear v-neck t-shirts
if you have ever used your cell phone while riding a bike
if you tell someone you’re going to shit in their mouth while they’re sleeping
if you have ever defended a point by saying google that shitif you surf in your swimming pool
if you’ve ever said LOL rather than actually laughing
if you have a sun tattoo around your belly button
if you wear cat-eye contacts
if your name is Nicolas Cage
you’ve ever referred to a win as a “W”
you wear any Lululemon apparel
you wear a t-shirt one size too small
you Hang out at a restaurant all day and don’t leave a tip
you wear white dress shoes
you say words like coolzeez or dilly yo
you have to flick your head to get your bangs out of your face
your rims cost more than your whole caryou’ve ever worn a band-aid on your face as a fashion statement
you replace your given name with a single name like Meatloaf, Sinbad, Prince, Sting, Yanni, Moby, Snow, Valentino, Ant or Nelly (see above)
you’ve ever referred to your arms as “pipes” or “guns”
you have ever had a “Faux-hawk”
you have purchased jeans with holes already in the legs
the front of your dress shoes come to a point
you base your life off of Vin Diesel’s Fast and the Furious character
you have a tattoo on the small of your back
you talk about yourself in the third person
you take your laptop to a starbucks so that everybody can see you write your new novel
the word “dawg” ever comes out of your mouth
you say that you are just “livid” when your pissed off
you leave the tags on any of your apparel
you wear sunglasses that look like they belong to a girl
you wear Affliction T-shirts
you think 300 was the best movie ever made
you use french phrases
After someone gets done telling a story and you say “I got one way better than that”.
You take up two parking spaces
walk around with a bluetooth headpiece permanently attached to your ear because it makes you feel important
If you refuse to drink beer because it “has too many carbs”
when someone says excuse me and you reply you are excused
if you’ve reached the bottom of this page
- You Might be a Slut...
If you’ve ever blacked out from playing a game of “never have I ever,” you might a slut.
If you can’t count the number of guys you’ve had sex with in your life, you might be a slut.
If you’ve slept with a guy without knowing his last name, you might be a slut.
If you’ve slept with a guy without knowing his FIRST name, you are a slut.
If you’ve ever contemplated having sex for money, you might be a slut.
If you’ve actually had sex for money, you’re a hooker.
If you’ve ever had sex with two guys in less than 24 hours, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever had sex with more than two guys in 48 hours, you might be a slut.
If you like the taste of cum, you might be a slut.
If you sleep with a guy for material gain, you might be a slut.
If you sleep with a guy because he’s smart, and you think studying with him will lead you to the top of the class, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever said, “Once you go black, you never go back,” then you might never get off welfare. Just kidding. But really, you might be a slut with jungle fever.
If you’ve ever justified a one night stand by saying, “I was so wasted,” you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever justified having a one night stand without saying, “I’m such a slut,” you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever justified having a one night stand by saying, “I’m such a slut,” knowing is half the battle.
If you’ve ever idolized, took as a role model, or otherwise thought Paris Hilton was cool, you’re an idiot. And you might be a slut.
If you’ve consented to videotaping sex, you might be a slut.
If you’ve slept with a guy sleazy enough to video tape you without your consent, you might be a slut.
If your friends have a conversation about who’s the most prude in the group, and all you can do is sit quietly in the corner, you might be a slut.
If you have to think for more than five seconds about your answer in “never have I ever,” you might be a slut.
If quotes from Sex and the City are meaningful to you on any level, you are an impressionable, naive little slut indeed.
If think Snoop Dog is hot, what is wrong with you?
If you’ve read any of these and thought, “I might be a slut,” you might be a slut.
If you cannot stay in a relationship for more than a month, you might be a slut.
If you ask your gay friends for advice on how to give head or take it in the butt, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever said, “Love can always be found, even if just for the night,” you might be a slut.
If you refer to a majority of your relationships as “complicated,” you might be a drama loving slut.
If you’ve ever fantasized about getting gangbanged, you might be a horndog.
If you’ve ever been gangbanged, that’s just gross.
If you’ve ever flashed your tits at a concert or Mardi Gras, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever been with a group of your girlfriends and said, “We’re such whores,” you might be a whore.
If you have any sort of oral fixation (i.e. cigarettes, lollipops, or sucking dick), you might be a slut.
If you constantly blame relationship failures on the guy, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever cheated on your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, shame on you. And you’re probably a slut. Sorry.
If you can’t remember the names of all the guys you’ve had sex with in your life, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever watched a non-sexual movie and felt the urge to masturbate, you might be a slut.
If you cannot go out drinking without wanting sex, you might be a slut.
If you get all dolled up with low cut shirts to go out, and then get disgusted when guys look at your cleavage, you’re just a typical dumb ass girl. Seriously. If you don’t want us to look at your tits, DON’T SHOW US YOUR TITS.
If you have sex with a guy you don’t really like under the false pretense of a relationship, you might be a slut.
If you have sex with a guy you never liked in the first place, you might be a slut.
If somebody mentions butt-sex and your automatic reaction isn’t disgust or pain, the pooper is for exits only.
If you’re the girl at the club who grinds up on random guys, there are other, safer ways to get laid.
If you’re the girl at the party who always spills her drink, you might be a slut.
If you’re THAT girl at the bar who always throws her hands up and goes, “WOOO!”, you might be an insecure slut.
If you have sex to validate your self-worth, you might be a slut.
If you think being pretty is more important than being smart, independent, or respectable, you might be shallow, naive, one-dimensional, boring, vapid, or slutty. Or any combination of those. Probably all of them, plus some I forgot. Good looks will only get you so far in life.
If you have sex because it makes you feel pretty, you might be ghetto a trashy slut.
If you’ve laughed at any of these because you know they apply to you, you might be a slut.
If you think divorced women should be entitled to half without significant contribution, that is a form of prostitution.
If you’ve ever referred to somebody as your baby’s daddy, you might be a slut.
If you use abortion as a form of birth control, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever been pregnant but not sure who the father is, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever had a mysterious rash in your nether regions, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever had a urinary tract infection from too much sex, you might be a slut.
If you’ve ever said, “My vagina is burning for sex right now,” you should get it checked to make sure it’s not burning because of something else. Either way, you’re probably a slut.
If you’ve ever had a threesome, you might be a slut.
If you’ve always wanted a threesome but couldn’t find willing partners, you might be too ugly.
If you go to graduate school and don’t finish your degree, but you end up marrying a guy from there anyway, you might be a gold-digger.
If you’ve ever held your breath during sex because it helps you climax or reach orgasm, you’re having far too much sex to be that desensitized, and thus you might be a slut. Stop holding your breath and jump off the penis for a few days.
If you were offended by reading this, you might be a miserable, humorless cunt that nobody wants to be around. Ever. Lighten the fuck up.
- children have big mouths
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”
Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.” “But why–” asked the startled father. “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.” - A Guide to Crapping at Work
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back at work and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for work dumping. Memorize these definitions and work defecation will become pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.Back to Main Page
- prison humor
A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, “I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?” The accountant replies, “Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I’d rather be the husband.” The big guy says, “Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick.”
- Trip to the Gyno
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is correct,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.” - three wishes
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ”You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. ”One day,” he begins, ”I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.”
”No shit?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
”Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.”’
”Keep going!”
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ”You now have three wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ”I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ”What will be your second wish?”
”What next?” begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ”I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ”You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, ”How ’bout a little head?” - Chicken Choke
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, “You’re right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.”
- call me
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
Thought you’d like to know. - Little Johnny Writes God
Little Johnny wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Johnny a $5.00 bill.
President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Johnny was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Johnny - PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!!
1.In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
2.In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
3.Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
4.The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than “going blind!”)
5.There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6.In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
7.Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
8.In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9.In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
10.In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
11.Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this shit?)
12.The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of…?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)
13.Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
14.An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
15.Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last…..
16.Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?) - The Problem
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?” The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
- Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” The she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!” - Mortician Humor
There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one says, “What a day I had today. The guy wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural.”
Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, “You think that’s bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!”
The third mortician just shook his head. “You guys have it easy,” he said. “I had this female parachutist whose chute didn’t open. She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!” - drunks
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”
“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?” “Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!” - The Contest
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he’s in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn’t walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, ” I forgot my lighter!” - Two Prostitutes
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled . “Their sign pertains to religion.’
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two ho’s driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
“Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter — $50.” - Keep it Tight!
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.
- the auction dream
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night’s dream. “I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.”
The husband says, “What about one my size?”
His wife responds, “Didn’t get a bid,” and then laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one’s sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10.”
His wife says, “What about ones like mine?”
The husband smiles and says, “That’s where they held the auction.” - First Kiss
A lady wakes up in the morning only to find her husband sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen, “what’s wrong?” she asks. “Do you remember our first kiss?” he asks, “yes”, she responds. “Do you remember a week later when your father caught us in the backseat of my car and said if I didn’t marry you I’d go to jail for twenty years?”, “yes”, she responds. “I would’ve got out today!!!” he wails.
- Really Terrible Joke
On April 1st Stacy goes into labor, and after 5 hours of pushing she finally pops out a kid. As soon as it pops out the doctor grabs it and starts shaking it like crazy, then he starts throwing it up in the air like someone’s tossing a pizza dough, and then he starts hitting the baby’s head against the wall. Incredulous, the mother shouts out, “What in the fuck are you doing!?” As soon as she says that the doctor stops and gets a huge grin and says, “April Fools!!! Your baby was already dead.”
- The Dangers of Abstinence
Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.
The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”
“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”
“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.
Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” asked the priest.
“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.
“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.” - waka waka waka!
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, “Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them… had the best day ever.” The second bum just laughs, “That’s nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long.” The other bum interrupts, “Bull! You didn’t do it all day long did you?”, the other continues, “Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life.” The first bums asks, “So did she give you a good blowjob?” The other replies no. “How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn’t even give you a blow job?” To which the other replies, “How could she? She didn’t have a head!
- The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.” - Southern Charm
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy’s mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. “You just wouldn’t believe what they have there in New York City,” says Miss Annabell. “They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.”
Miss Annabell’s friends fan themselves and say, “Oh my! Oh my!”
“They call them homosexuals,” proclaims Miss Annabell.
“Oh my! Oh my,” proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
“They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!”
“Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls. “What do they call them?” they ask.
“They call them lesbians,” says Miss Annabell.
“They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City,” sighs Miss Annabell.
“Oh my! Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. “What do they call them?” they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, “Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious.” - Top 10 Dumbest Criminals
10. Strike one!
England: A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.9. “Hello? Guns for hire?”
Arizona: A company called “Guns for Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.8. Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.5. Ouch
A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911″ for help . . .4. Let’s do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask. - Plane Crash!
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced ” Please prepare for a crash landing “. The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ? - Go See Sophie!
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
“What size?” asks the clerk.
“Gee, I don’t know.”
“Go see Sophie in aisle 4.” He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!”
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!”
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
“What size?” The kid embarrassedly says “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size.” The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells “Clean up in aisle 4!” - Hand Washing
A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says “I was taught to be thorough.” The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.” The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says “I was taught not to piss on my hands.”
- Living Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.” - Pork!
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”
“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.” The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”
“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.
“The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!” - What You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
1.Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2.Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
3.”Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4.Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
5.Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6.Hand me that….uh….that uh….thingie.
7.Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9.Darn, there go the lights again…
10.Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ‘em.
11.Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
13.Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off..
14.What’s this doing here?
15.I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here..
16.That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
17.I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses. - 5 Offensive Sexist Jokes
1.What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
2.Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn’t be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we’d have a bunch of jealous countries that aren’t talking to each other.
3.What is the mating call of a blond? I’m so drunk. What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde gone yet? What is ther mating call of a redhead? NEXT!
4.An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.” Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?” The guide answered, “Land mines.”
5.Why did the women cross the road? I don’t know, but what is she doing out of the kitchen? - Sperm Bank Robbery!
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
- A New Approach
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!” - A Joke That Will Offend Democrats
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman… and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. If the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?
“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.” - Have a beer!
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
–Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
–William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
–Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
–Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
–Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
–Michelle Mastrolacasa
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
–Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
–Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven…
–Brian O’Rourke
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson
All right, Brain, I don’t like you… and you don’t like me, so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson - Men's Mastercard Commercial
Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: ***PRICELESS**** - safer sex
These days, safe sex isn’t just a good idea, it’s a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you “play it safe”…
1.Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
2.Think about parents’ nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.
3.Don’t fall for lines like, “God protects his servants in the clergy from harm.”
4.Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.
5.Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.
6.Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.
7.When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.
8.Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, “You don’t have AIDS, do you?”
9.Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.
10.You CAN get it from kissing… tear out partner’s tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.
11.To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
12.If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.
13.Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes. - inadvertent sex change
A man went to hospital to get some warts lanced off his junk but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up with a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, this poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned. “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
- In the Checkout Line
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”
She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
“Christ!” he says “are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?”
“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher” - Bar Joke Involving Urine
A man walks up to the bartender and says, “I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and piss into a jar without spilling a drop.”
The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he’ll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to urinate.
He not only misses the jar, but doesn’t even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.
The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, ” I just bet my friends $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!”. - What to Say to Make a Man Feel Small
Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?
1.I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2.Ahhhh, it s cute.
3.Why don’t we just cuddle?
4.You know they have surgery to fix that.
5.Make it dance.
6.Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7.Wow, and your feet are so big.
8.It ‘ s OK, we’ll work around it.
9.Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10.Oh no… a flash headache.
11.(giggle and point)
12.Can I be honest with you?
13.How sweet, you brought incense.
14.This explains your car.
15.Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16.Why is God punishing me?
17.At least this won’t take long.
18.I never saw one like that before.
19.But it still works, right?
20.It looks so unused.
21.Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22.Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23.Are you cold?
24.Only if you get me real drunk first.
25.Is that an optical illusion?
26.What is that?
27.It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28.Does it come with an air pump?
29.So, this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30.I guess this makes me the early bird. - Stupid Blonde Joke
A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.
She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?” - Potentially or Realistically?
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says “Dad?, What’s the difference between Potentially and Realistically?” To which the father replies “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.” So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies “Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!” So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies “He is so fucking fine, of course I would!” Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says “Of course I would, who wouldn’t for a million bucks?” So he goes up to his dad and says “I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically” “Well what’s the difference?” says the father. “Well, potentially we’re sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we’re living with 2 sluts and a fag!”
- Try Saying This When you Are Drunk!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. - Passing Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back.”Doctor, ” she says, “I don’t know what medicine you gave me, but now my flatulance. . . . . although still silent. . . smells terrible.”
The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.” - Who Wears the Pants?
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his jeans and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your jeans.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your panties!”
“And you never fucking will if you don’t change your attitude.” - The Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situation as the man can get.Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.” Amazing,” said the shocked husband, “simply amazing ! I just can’t believe it.” “What can’t you believe ?” asked the detective, “It’s all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.” “I know, I know!” said the man, still in shock, “I just can’t believe my wife could be that much fun.”
- Old Bucket Crotch
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. “Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,” he explained. “This girl really knows how to go from there.” The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: “God, I sure would like to have a little pussy.” “I would, too,” the girl sighed. “Mine’s the size of a bucket!”
- Anger Management, Asshole
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar
with our Caller ID Program?”
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don,you’re an asshole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah,”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”
I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.” Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work. - TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He is one hard judge
3. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
5. Is it a penal offense
6. Better leave the handcuffs on
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could
10. Think you can get me off? - Fun Things to do at the Drive-Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please.”
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane. - Being an Easter Egg Sucks
4 Reasons Why You Wouldn’t Want to be an Easter Egg!
1.You only get laid once.
2.You only get eaten once.
3.It takes you three minutes to get hard.
4.You get tossed in the garbage when they’re finished with you. - Medicate Me
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward. - Happy Birthday Baby!
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.” - Old Guys at the Whore House
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:
‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’
‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’ His friend says, ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’
“A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?’
‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’ - 100 Top George Carlin Quotes
1.I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3.Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4.A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5.Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6.I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7.I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8.You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9.If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10.Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11.If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12.No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13.There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14.The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15.The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16.Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17.Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18.Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19.If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20.If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21.You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22.Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23.Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24.As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25.If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27.I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28.I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29.If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30.You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31.By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33.Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34.I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35.I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36.When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37.Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38.I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39.I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40.I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41.Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42.So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43.Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44.Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45.I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
46.Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
47.God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
48.I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
49.One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
50.If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
51.What year did Jesus think it was?
52.George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
53.Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
54.In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
55.Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
56.“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
57.No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
58.Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
59.The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
60.The future will soon be a thing of the past.
61.The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
62.The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
63.Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
64.The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
65.I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
66.Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
67.“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
68.Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
69.And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
70.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71.Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
72.Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
73.Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
74.I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
75.Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
76.The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
77.If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
78.“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
79.Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
80.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
81.“No comment” is a comment.
82.If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
83.You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
84.Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
85.So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
86.Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
87.Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
88.When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
89.The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
90.I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
91.If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
92.Hooray for most things!
93.Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
94.I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
95.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
96.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
97.Life is a zero sum game.
98.Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
99.I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
100.It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory. - exhaustion
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
- Miss You Mr. Carlin
10 Things That Piss Me Off!
by: George Carlin1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2.The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick.
3.People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4.When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat it?
5.When people say “Its always in the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6.When people say, while watching a movie “Did you see that?” No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at fucking ceiling up there.
7.The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t.” Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!
8.People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9.When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10.When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole. You fucking pulled me over! - Alien Love
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians’ penis she said “Well that’s nice but it’s kind of short isn’t it?” Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said “That’s nice but it’s not very fat is it?” The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said “I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again.” The man said “I enjoyed it too but, I just can’t figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!”
- Worms
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She then says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “What do you have to say about this experiment?”
He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!” - Raymond & Polly
A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?” Polly then replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
- Just Plain Nasty
A woman married a man who did not believe in pre-marital sex. Despite not being a virgin, she had convinced him that she was.
On the day of their honeymoon, she sought advice from a friend as to how she could keep her secret, seeing that she would be knocking boots with her husband for the “first time.” Her friend suggested that she shove a piece of raw, bloody meat up her vagina, so that when her husband dished out the dong, she would bleed like a true virgin.
The woman shoved the meat up her vaj and then had great sex with her new husband that night.
The next morning, the woman woke up and saw that her husband was gone and had left a note on the night stand.
It read: “Honey, this relationship is too intense for a guy like me. I will always love you. Oh, and your vagina is in the sink.” - Top 10 Men
The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes”
The Dentist because he says, “Open Wide”
The Hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown”
The Milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”
The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll love it.”
The Banker because he says, “If you take it out to soon, you’ll lose interest.”
The Police Officer because he says, “Spread ‘em”
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice. - Little Johnny Strikes Again
A Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”
First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange.”
The second little boy says”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks “Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says “Johnny! Of course not!!!”
“OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants.” - baby hermaphrodite
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby doctor? What’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman is confused. “A hermaphrodite….. what’s that?”
The doctor replies, “Well, it means your baby has the…….er……features….of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis….. AND a brain. - Death Notice
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”
- Definitions Male/Female
Definitions Male/Female
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male…Playing any sport without a “cup.”3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male…Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male…What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female…A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male…Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female…A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male…Anything that can be done while drinking.7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female…An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male…An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male…Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female…A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male…A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female…An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner’s attention.
b. male…6 months off from spending time with what’s her name. - The Speeding Ticket
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. - Cyanide Joke
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, “I want to kill my wife.” “I’m sorry Sir,” the pharmacist replied, “but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can’t sell you any Cyanide.” The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, “I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you… I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
- Don't Ever Say These Things to a Cop!
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around–That’s how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Strip Club Mishap
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a prime seat in the front row unoccupied for no apparent reason. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first stripper walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, “Yeah baby! That’s what I’ve been waiting for!”
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the stripper swung around the pole a few times and then took off her top. The loud guy yelled, “Yeah baby! Shake those things!”
Our friend turned around and said, “Hey buddy, calm down!”
After a few moments, the stripper took off her dress, revealing a very thin g-string. Again, the man behind our friend yelled, “Oh baby! You’re almost there!”
Our friend turned around and angrily said, “Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will you?”
A few minutes later, the stripper stretched out on the floor and took off the g-string. The whole club went wild except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, “Say buddy, where’s your enthusiasm now?”
The guy responded, “It’s all over your back, dude. Sorry!” - Romance After Kids
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.” - Goblins
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange, ugly little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?”
“I’m 23″, she replies
“I can’t fucking believe it!”, says the man, “23 and you still believe in goblins” - Great Short Jokes
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.Husband says; “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?” He says, “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
“I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine… I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.”
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It’s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I’ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
- 15 Gallons of Milk
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No. Just up to my tits.” - 3 Months to Live
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live”. The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?”. The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”
- Tickets to Titsburgh
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The Second guy says “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to Titsburgh’ The First guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey can you please pass me the sugar?’, I said ‘You’ve ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH’
- 50 Years of Marriage
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this same breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “They’re dangling in your coffee!”
- Poor Dead Frog
One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks “Can I help you son?” to which he replies, “Yes I’d like a girl for the night.” She says “I’m afraid you are too young for one of my girls.” So he gets out his wallet and gives her $100. To which she says “She’ll be waiting for you up stairs.” The boy says “But she’s got to have herpes.” The Madam replies “But all my girls are clean!” So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $100. The Madam says “OK, she’ll be ready for you in about 10 minutes”. So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him “Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?”.
“Well, it’s like this”, he says, “When I get home tonight I’ll fuck the baby-sitter and then she’ll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they’ll stop and have sex, and he’ll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mom and dad will make love and then she’ll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, fuck my mother and then he’ll get herpes…
…AND HE’S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
- to tell the truth
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”
He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!” - 10 more offensive jokes
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
VomitWhat’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids.What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves. - Southwest Airlines
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, “Tell your mother it’s because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time.” - The Angry Wife
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. - 10 jokes to offend!
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball roomQ. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don’t do dick.Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can’t make a fist. - Grief
A priest had just placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The priest approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
- Golfing With Wifey
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?”
“I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!’” - I Just Threw Up in my Mouth
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, “That will be three dollars.”
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
“You faggots!” screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”
“You think you’ve had it bad,” the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog four bars ago!” - Girls Night Out!!
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
- Sex Frogs
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!” - What a Way to Die
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.” As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?” “No!” she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked. “Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic. “Slut!” he said, and dropped her.
- Bill & Mabel
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.” “Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”
- Speaking English
A Catholic priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”The priest was pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and He points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”The priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest is really flustered and quickly says, “Riding a bike.”The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?The chief replied, “My bike.”
- The Question
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”, to which the doctor replies “I know…I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
- Elderly Infidelity
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman… She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
- Horny Husband
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How’d you get down here so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!” “Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.” Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?” The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn’t about to start now!”
- Leave it Up to the Wife
The guy says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting it up.” The doctor examines him and says, “You’ll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don’t you go home and discuss it with your wife?” The next day the guy comes back into the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “What did you decide?” He says, “We’re going to re-do the kitchen.”
- Too Many Questions
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.”
“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.” - She Was Robbed
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
“Help me! Help me!” she screamed. “I’m being robbed!”
“You ain’t being robbed” her attacker interrupted. “You’re being screwed!”
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. “If you’re screwing me with that,” she fumed, “I am being robbed!” - The Perfect Girl
A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman… I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
“Oh, come on now,” said my friend. “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
“Yes, there was one girl… once. I guess she was the one perfect girl — the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything… I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her?” asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “She was looking for the perfect man.” - This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I do not perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.But I have not yet gone to college.
- Comatose
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her “private area” and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they’ll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it’s worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat-lines… no pulse… no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, “I think she choked.”
- Therapy
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.” - Horror Movie Rules
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
9. If you find a town, which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
10. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
18. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! - Love in Cocoa Beach, Florida
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?” - Love in Cocoa Beach, Florida
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?” - What Children are Learning in Sunday School
These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched. (None, of course, was written by your child – or any youngster in your school district.) It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
1.In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
2.The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
3.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
4.Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
5.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
6.When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
7.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
8.The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Chistian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
- Post Surgery
A young woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Put off by all the darkness and gloom she asked the nurse in the room, “Why are all the blinds closed?” “Well,” the nurse responded , “They’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”
- Fun at the Hardware Store
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied “That’s silver and it costs $100!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?’ To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.” - A Knock at the Door...
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
- The 70 Year Old Virgin
On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it’s time to finaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
” Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person”
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, “Do you really expect me to choose you? You don’t even have any arms or legs!” The old man replies, “Well, I don’t have arms, so how could I beat you?” The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. “I don’t have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, “But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?”
The man smiles and says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I!” - The Waiting is the Hardest Part
A policeman is cruising the streets on a late night patrol. He looks down a cul-de-sac and sees what looks like a young man sitting in a car, with the lights on, reading. He u-turns and cruises past again and, sure enough, that’s what’s happening.
He pulls over near the car and gets out. The young man looks ups and rolls down the window and reaches for his license. The policeman notices a young lady in the backseat of the car, knitting something. He walks up to the young man.
“Good evening, sir.”
“Good evening, officer, what can I do for you?”
“Well, lemme see your license and registration.”
“Certainly, officer.”
While he’s getting all the info, the policeman can’t figure it out. The young man was pleasant and (he checks the info) clean as a whistle. The young lady seems relaxed and well, they’re not doing anything illegal anyway. He walks back to the car.
“Son, what are you doing?”
“Just reading, officer. It’s “The Kite Runner”, as a matter of fact.”
“And what’s the lady doing?”
“She’s knitting something. She won’t tell me what it is.” The lady smiles at the officer.
“Well . . . how old are you?”
“I’m twenty-one, officer.”
“And how old is the lady?”
“Well,” says the driver, looking at his watch, “in about twelve minutes, she’s gonna be eighteen.” - 60 minutes of great sex!
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.” So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked. “Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
- Heavy Petting
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!”
“That’s no ring… That’s my watch!” - Knock Knock!
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it’s answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?” To which the boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”
- Jesus, I'm Coming!
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!” - It's A Miracle!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that fucking wall!” - 4 inches
A guy’s eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, “Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me.” The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, “Ma’am, this is from the gentleman over there.” She says to the waiter, “Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants.” The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, “Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven’t even met her…so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?”
- Adverse Effects of a Stress Filled Life
A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.” So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.” - Early Birth Control
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynocologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try to get him to withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. “I see you decided not to take my advice,” he said, eyeing the young children. “On the contrary, doc,” she exclaimed, “Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!”
- Rare Erection
A furious pounding in a 5 Star hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. As everyone was extremely irritated from being roused from their beds at such an ungodly hour, the hotel manager was called. He let himself into the room while the incessant pounding was still going on. Inside, he found a very elderly man cursing loudly, sobbing, and slamming his arms against the walls. Dumbfounded, the hotel manager cried,” Stop that, you are disturbing my entire hotel!” “Damn the hotel!” the elderly man spat. “This is the first erection I ‘ve had in years and my fucking hands are asleep!”
- Learning to Count
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, “What is three plus four?” The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.” The uncle said, “Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.” So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?” The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, “Eleven.
- 1st Blow Job contributed by Doug Romedy (thanks Doug!)
A guy walks into a bar and orders five shot and asks for them to be all lined up in a row. the bartender lines them up and the man shoots them all down back to back, no chaser. the bar tender asks… whats the occasion? the man says “my first blow job” the bartender say “well in that case… here have one on me”… the man says ” nah, if five shots didn’t kill the taste… nothing will”
- Randy the Rooster
Randy the rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk…
“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say’s, “Shhh. They’re getting closer…” - Hung Like a Baby
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
“If you want to cancel the wedding, then I’ll understand,” she said. The guy remarked, “I don’t mind that you’re flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.”
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, “I don’t mind that like a baby below the waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway.”
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she regained consciousness, the guy said, “I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?” “You told me it was just like a baby.” The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!” - Golf and Public Restroom Similarities
Golf and Public Restroom Similarities
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
- A Fireman Joke
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
“Honey!” he says, “you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.”
“When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.”
“When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.”
“When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, “We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!”
“When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.”
“When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed”.
“When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready?”
“Bell #1!” (they strip naked)
“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)
“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.
The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What’s that?”
The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!” - widdle wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
- Charlie and Bob
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?” Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago.” “Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?” Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
- tampax
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother,he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
- Suffering
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What seems to be the problem?” She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?” The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”
- In a Vise
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to……to….cut it off are you?!” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
- A history lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
- bear hunting
Bill’s all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says “You’ve got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex.” Bill bends over for the bear. He’s sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, “That was a big mistake. You’ve got 2 choices, “Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Bill bends over. He survives, but he’s really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he’s outraged.
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There’s a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, “You don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?” - The Physical
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.” The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
- before you leave
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”
- Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women
Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts. - Agnes Elizabeth
When young Agnes Elizabeth married she had 13 children. Her husband dies and she remarries and has 7 more children with her new husband. Her new husband meets a tragic end and so she marries again, this time having 4 more children! Finally, Agnes Elizabeth, no longer young, leaves this earth and goes to meet her Heavenly Father.
Standing beside her coffin, the priest prays for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”
One mourner leans over and asks her friend,”Do you think he meant her first, second, or third husband?”
Her friend replied, “I think he meant her legs.” - Vodka Helps
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!” - Marie's Pregnant
Bob says to Lester, “You know, I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation, only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.” Lester says, “So what you gonna do different this year?” Bob says, “This year, I’m takin’ Marie with me…”
- At the Dentist
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.
“No, I don’t,” she replied.
“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
She didn’t crack a smile.
“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked
“I was just envisioning how condoms are made! - moo
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of her weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”
“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.” - Pays For Itself
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloooo,……….. just because I’m a FAT blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
- May I buy you a drink?
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?”. Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.” A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?”
“Okay, but it still won’t do you any good.” He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.” They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.” She says, “Oh, that’s different. Send her in.” - The Earring
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”
“Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.” - What Mom Calls Dad
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating. “Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams.
- The Construction Site
A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The family’s 6 year old daughter took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
Eventually the construction crew – all gems in the rough – more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother, who said the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?
“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood”, replied the little girl. - pet monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.” - Til Death Do Us Part
Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?
Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.
Husband: Will you let him drive my car?
Wife: Well, I think so.
Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?
Wife: Maybe.
Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?
Wife: Maybe.
Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?
Wife: No, he is shorter. - Little Old Grandma
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!” - How to Enter Heaven
Three young catholic school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven.
The first boy said, “You enter with your hands first because you’re
praying to God as you go up.”
The second boy argued, “No, no. You enter with your head first
because you’re thinking about God and God is in your mind.”
The third boy retorted, “No, no, no. You enter with your feet
first.”
Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, “Feet first? How do you figure
that?”
To which the boy replied, “Well, the other morning I walked in on
mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was
screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’” - Sex Change
John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.
His old friend Pete sees him and says, “John, you look great…you’re beautiful!”
John says, “Thanks…but holy Christ, did it hurt.”
Pete says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”
John says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
Pete says, “When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?”
John says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
Pete says, “Then what did hurt?”
John says, “When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain.” - Lent Jokes
Lent Jokes
I get the whole sacrifice aspect of Lent, but I don’t think God wants me to be miserable. So there’s no way I’m giving up booze.
Smart kid to dad — “I’m giving up school work for Lent.” Dad to smart kid — “Okay, then I will give up anything giving you an allowance.” Smart kid to dad — “Okay, never mind.”
Headed to sex rehab for Lent!
I’m giving up worthless lovers.
For Lent, I’m giving up giving up things. I’ll take all your beer and chocolate while you people suffer. Ha!
For Lent, I’m giving up self control, abstinence, & sobriety.
40 days of water starts tomorrow … Gonna be hard to give up my favorite beer. But apparently in Lent you get Sundays off. Right?
Is there Lent in my pocket?
My brother thinks he should give up work for Lent.
I’m giving up speaking to people I don’t like for Lent.
This year, as in every year, I’m giving up Lent for Lent.
Screw Lent I already know I’m going to Hell, so I’m not giving up jack!
Giving up salads for Lent, NOT Chocolate, Not Ice Cream, Not Beer.
I’m giving up snow for Lent.
The choices for my Lent giving up are cheeseburgers or drinking. It’s a tough call.
Thank God I don’t celebrate Lent, I would have to give up my mistress, and we all know how hard that can get, right? Right? Ask John Edwards!
I’m giving up nothing for Lent. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
I’m giving up vodka for Lent. But not beer.
Ummmmm … thinking if I should give up drinking for lent! No !!!
I am giving up Lent this year. I like to do my bit. Can someone let me know when it is over so I can stop giving it up. Thanks. - A Joke for the Lent Season
Boudreaux walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know Boudreaux, a pint goes flat after I pour it; wouldn’t you rather I pour fresh pints for you, one at a time?” Boudreaux replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in Nova Scotia, and the other, in France, and me, mais I’m from Louisiana. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Boudreaux becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When Boudreaux goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “Hey Boudreaux, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” Boudreaux looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs and says: “Oh, no, no, no, arrybody’s ‘s fine. I’ve just given up beer for Lent.”
- Man Translator
1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.9. “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: Are you still talking?11. “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?13. “It’s really a good movie.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: What did you catch me at?18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. - Rotten Cherry via Dirty Jokes
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss… when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked “when is the last time you’ve had sex?” the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt…Your cherry has rotted”
- Follow the Leader
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.” - Crack Kills
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”
“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”
“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…” - Best Feature! via Mickey
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’ Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’ Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming……that was me.’ - Just Like a Woman!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,”So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…” - 25 Years of Marriage
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.” - Farm Follies
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. “What’s the deal?” he asks. His mom says ” You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.” Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says “Do you want me to tell him or should you?”
- Race Car Driver
A race car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. “What’s the matter?!? Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed?” he asked. “It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’ Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.’”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver. “Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?’” - A Gay Parrot Joke via the JokeYard
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrott. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.” - Just like Heaven
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. “Mary… Mary…” Awestruck, Mary responds, “Is that you Fred?” “Yes, I have come back like we agreed.” “Well, what is it like?” Fred excitedly tells his tale, “Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day.” So happy Mary says, “Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.” Fred replies, “Hell no, Mary, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”
- SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE courtesy of Laughline
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!” - Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know..
During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubichairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects – while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.
- Fishlips Lorenzo
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?
He says, Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of- a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?
He says, Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.A guy in the back of the shop yells, Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?
He says, No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?
The guy yells, That’s the guy who’s bangin’ your wife while you’re in night school. - Need A Raise
Seeking a raise
I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from People & Quality:After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the order of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
You don’t like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. - Corkscrewed!
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Martin said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.
“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Martin said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.” - Show Him Hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
- Valentine's That Hallmark Didn't Write
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store, In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class, Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.
3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.
2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! - 3 More Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.” - An Ode to Valentine's Day
***I wish I knew who wrote this so I could give them credit.
Hearts and roses and kisses galore…
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So heres my story…what else can I say?
Love bites my ass…Poop on Valentines Day! - Funeral Cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, “Leave them alone, they’re for the funeral!” - A Doctor's Visit
This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on, either.”
- Somebody Better Blow Him
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“Just a quick blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.” - The Drunk Nun
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”
“Sister Mary Katherine, ” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”
“Oh Jack, ” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. “It helps her constipation, you know.”
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!” - Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll text her to make sure.” So he sat down and typed: “Mom, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several moments later, John received a text from his mother which read: “John, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
- urinate
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,”Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!” - BBQ Butt
A woman’s husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, “You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill”. She didn’t say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn’t want to have sex with him, and she said, “Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!?
- Bad News
This poor man went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned. “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
- Smack a Monkey
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says “Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?” The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up and join them in the front. After playing with it for a minute, he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says “Hey man, do you want some of that?” And the hitch hiker says “Sure, but just don’t smack me so hard.”
- YOUR momma
Little Johnny is walking by his parents bedroom when he hears alot of noise.
He opens the door and sees his dad with mom bent over the dresser having sex.
Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles and winks. He motions for Johnny to leave the room so Little Johnny leaves.
A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnnys bedroom and hears a noise.
He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex.
Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles and winks.
He says to dad:
“It’s not so funny when it YOUR momma, is it?” - Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except — ” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the
‘voodoo dick.’”
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said “Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!”
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo dick, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!” - Regift
A week before Valentine’s Day a young man goes into a posh jewelry store downtown to find a gift for his new girlfriend. After deliberating for a few minutes he decides upon a rather expensive silver locket.
“Do you want me to engrave her name on it?” asks the jeweler.
The young man thought about it for a minute and then said, “No. Just make it say ‘to my one and only love.’ That way, if we break up and she throws it at me in anger, I can always use it again!” - 13 Worst Pick Up Lines
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.
7. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!
8. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?9. You remind me of a Championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount
you or eat you!10. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
11. Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?
12. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=3D 69?
13. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,
and I’ll put my head in. - 101 Ways To Annoy People
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.” 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
- Dead Relatives
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.” said the friend. “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.” The man looking concerned says, “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” The friend continues, “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!” “Then this month,…” continued, the friend, “Nothing! Not a single dime!”
- ABC's of ex girlfriends
ABC’s of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!C
is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.K
stands for Kill.L
is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.Q
is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.S
stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week. - Guts vs. Balls
The difference between having Guts and having Balls…
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.” - Don't Fart in Bed (jokeyard)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn’t listen to you.
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. - Personal Ads
Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the
singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is
behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.
Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those
descriptions really mean, a subscriber to Laughline has done it for
you!FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish……………… 48
Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic……………. Flat-chested
Average looking……… Ugly
Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………. College dropout
Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit…………. Substance user
Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………… Annoying
Gentle……………… Comatose
Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………. Desperate
Outgoing……………. Loud
Passionate………….. Loud
Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart………. Toothless crone——————————————————————-
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………… Arrogant
Honest……………… Pathological Liar
Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature……………… Until you get to know him
Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s
not interested
Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer - Sales Pitch
When the children filed into class Monday morning they were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell a product and then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30″ she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines and I made $45. I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″ he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip &Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.” Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts. Bless his little heart!
- Signs that you are too drunk...
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmmm.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… - Timmy and Tommy
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out “Ouch you fucking wanker!” later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said “Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.” the priest says “Well, have you tried smacking them?” she said “No, doesn’t the church look down on that?” the priest says “Well, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.” The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says “Well, gimme some fucking waffles.” The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was “Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!”
- If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary
- Mailman's Last Day
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea. - Going to Live Forever
I found a genie in a bottle today. She said she would grant me one wish when I let her out.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”
“You crafty little bastard,” said the genie. - Mom, I'm Gay
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.” His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!” - Fun on a Bus
When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn’t taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time…
1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to share the wealth with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC…)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a cuppy war with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a cuppy is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)
3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!
4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.
5. Two words: Water Pistol
6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes
7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the racetrack in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.
8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.
9. Purchase a megaphone, nuff said.
10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.
11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don’t talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.
12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fired Chicken.
13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can….
14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.
15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.
16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.
17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.
18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.
19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.
20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!
21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn’t get peoples attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.
22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say Never mind… then drive the point home by farting.
23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.
24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say “Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren’t the same these days.”
25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you “If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I’m not picky, either would be fine…”
- New Ears!
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!” - Fun in a Bathroom Stall
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.” - what a man hears...
What a woman says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!What a man hears…
blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! - 30th Birthday
30th Birthday
It was my 30th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me.
She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I figured, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”
I felt a little better – at least someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.
We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. “Sure,” I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday… and there I sat on the couch… naked. - Rich Man Poor Man
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They’re both downtown shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the rich man, “What’d you get your wife this year?” He says, “A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring.” The poor man says, “Why’d you get her both?” The rich man says, “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can take it back happy.” The poor man says, “O.K. That works.” They meet up the next day and the rich man says, “Well what did you get your wife?” The poor man says, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.” The.rich man says, “Why’d you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The poor man says, “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!”
- hairy pits
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, “I love a woman that does aerobics.” The woman replies angrily, “I don’t DO aerobics!” The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, “Then how did you get your leg up so high?”
- Relax
A man and a woman were passionately going at it on a couch when suddenly the phone rings. The woman leaps up to answer it and returns a few minutes later. “Who was it?” he asks and she replies, “My husband.”
“Well, I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?”
“Relax,” she says with a smile,”he’s downtown. Playing poker with you.” - A Retired Husband Has Fun at Walmart
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-mart:Dear Mrs. Smith ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith , are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
- Economic Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It keeps me young and beautiful looking. ,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does the 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’ - Staying Out Late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
- Where Does Intelligence Come From?
A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?” The father replied, “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.”
- Rich Vs. Poor
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penises were?” “Yeah,” says his friend, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play with.”
- Daughter's Purse
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”
So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds a few mini bottles of liquor. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”
So, finally, it’s the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.” - Wrong Answer
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions.” Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, “Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct,” said Mr. White. “Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
- Elderly Love
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, “I can’t do this, I have acute angina”.
The old guy says “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.” - Home Early
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.
While on his way to home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!”
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.” - Airport Lines
A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: “I don’t want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!”
The young agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll try to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first. I’m sure we’ll be able to work things out for you.” The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, “I don’t want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have you attention, please,” her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate.” With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore “Fuck you!”
Without flinching, she smiled an said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too!” - Happy Birthday!!
Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left… The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy” - Lobster and Crab Dinner
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. “We’re sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.
“We’re sorry to inform you, sir,” the policeman said, “we found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay this morning.”
Oh, my God!” said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?
“When we pulled her up,” said the policeman, “she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her.”
“What?” a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. “So, what’s the great news?”
As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.” - My, Aren't We Fancy!
A woman in her 30′s was taking her mother, who was in her 50′s to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, “Don’t we look fancy today”, as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, “Don’t we look fancy today”, while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn’t referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn’t appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don’t know. We’re you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don’t think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don’t have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment…
Daughter: Good Lord Mom, That was your granddaughter’s Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray! - Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,”Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?” - Is That Your Husband?
While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” “No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.” - A Mother's Obsession
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.” - 99 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
21. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
27. You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn’t look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn’t get cramps.
37. Beer doesn’t have a mother.
38. Beer doesn’t have morals.
39. Beer doesn’t go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don’t go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn’t demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won’t run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn’t have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn’t need much closet space.
50. Beer can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn’t make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn’t pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other beers.
66. Beer doesn’t wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn’t mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn’t live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn’t blow you off.
72. Beer doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn’t mind football season.
75. A beer won’t make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a woman.
77. A beer doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
79. A beer doesn’t give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are “cute”.
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won’t smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won’t raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store. - Chicken Farming
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she’d have to go home and think about it and that she’d call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, “I’ve got it… I’m a chicken farmer.”
He said, “How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution.”
She said, “I raised over a thousand cocks last year.” - Saying the Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!! - A Problem for the Little Lady
A female “little person” (see I’m being politically correct) goes into her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, “I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?” “Yeah, it’s really bad whenever it rains,” she replies. “Well, then,” says the Doc, “Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it.”
Two weeks later, it’s raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. “Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!” “Well, let’s have a look,” he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. “Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am, this won’t hurt a bit.”
The vertically challenged lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. “There you go, ma’am, try that.” She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, “That’s great, Doc, what did you do?”
“I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.”
- You Are a Total Redneck if....
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it
- Overheard in a West Virginian Bar
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting
to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada .”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No”, says the Canadian “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi, I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.” - Make it Last an Hour, Please!
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
- Til Death Do Us Part
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter…
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes. - 3 Dead Nuns
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, “You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question.”
So he asks the first nun, “What was the name of the first man that God created?”
“Adam,” she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St.Peter asked the second nun, “What was the name of the first woman that God created?”
“Eve,” the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St. Peter asked the third nun, “What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?”
The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, “Gee, that’s a hard one.” And the lights started flashing, the music started playing…… - Pride in Our Offspring
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn’t amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends! - You Better Hurry!
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.” - Single Lady at the Grocery Store
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
“You must be single.” the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, “Yes I am. How could you tell?”.
“Because you’re ugly”. - Little Johnnie Strikes Again!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
- Bulimic Bachelor Party
How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl. - Electric Trains
Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always playing with them. - It's Conga Time!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home! - Explore Antarctica!
Why is a clitoris like Antarctica?
Most men know its there, but few men really care. - When Insults Had Class
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
- Married Men
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
- Mixed Emotions
What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your Mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car. - Giving Up?
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter”, asked the child, “Giving up?”
- Magic Mike
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best… find a woman with whom he may “commiserate”. After a wild night of getting it on, it’s time for the young lady to leave. As she’s getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, “Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?” Mike thinks for a moment and says, “What the hell, give me the good news.” She tells him, “The good news is that you’re bigger than Magic Johnson.”