Joker Blog
Welcome to the Joker Blog! Here you will find the funniest, most terrible things that we can find. Enjoy…
Blog
- Lent Jokes
Lent Jokes
I get the whole sacrifice aspect of Lent, but I don’t think God wants me to be miserable. So there’s no way I’m giving up booze.
Smart kid to dad — “I’m giving up school work for Lent.” Dad to smart kid — “Okay, then I will give up anything giving you an allowance.” Smart kid to dad — “Okay, never mind.”
Headed to sex rehab for Lent!
I’m giving up worthless lovers.
For Lent, I’m giving up giving up things. I’ll take all your beer and chocolate while you people suffer. Ha!
For Lent, I’m giving up self control, abstinence, & sobriety.
40 days of water starts tomorrow … Gonna be hard to give up my favorite beer. But apparently in Lent you get Sundays off. Right?
Is there Lent in my pocket?
My brother thinks he should give up work for Lent.
I’m giving up speaking to people I don’t like for Lent.
This year, as in every year, I’m giving up Lent for Lent.
Screw Lent I already know I’m going to Hell, so I’m not giving up jack!
Giving up salads for Lent, NOT Chocolate, Not Ice Cream, Not Beer.
I’m giving up snow for Lent.
The choices for my Lent giving up are cheeseburgers or drinking. It’s a tough call.
Thank God I don’t celebrate Lent, I would have to give up my mistress, and we all know how hard that can get, right? Right? Ask John Edwards!
I’m giving up nothing for Lent. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
I’m giving up vodka for Lent. But not beer.
Ummmmm … thinking if I should give up drinking for lent! No !!!
I am giving up Lent this year. I like to do my bit. Can someone let me know when it is over so I can stop giving it up. Thanks. - A Joke for the Lent Season
Boudreaux walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know Boudreaux, a pint goes flat after I pour it; wouldn’t you rather I pour fresh pints for you, one at a time?” Boudreaux replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in Nova Scotia, and the other, in France, and me, mais I’m from Louisiana. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Boudreaux becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When Boudreaux goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “Hey Boudreaux, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” Boudreaux looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs and says: “Oh, no, no, no, arrybody’s ‘s fine. I’ve just given up beer for Lent.”
- Man Translator
1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.9. “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: Are you still talking?11. “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?13. “It’s really a good movie.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: What did you catch me at?18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. - Rotten Cherry via Dirty Jokes
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss… when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked “when is the last time you’ve had sex?” the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt…Your cherry has rotted”
- Follow the Leader
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.” - Crack Kills
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”
“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”
“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…” - Best Feature! via Mickey
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’ Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’ Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming……that was me.’ - Just Like a Woman!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,”So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…” - 25 Years of Marriage
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.” - Farm Follies
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. “What’s the deal?” he asks. His mom says ” You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.” Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says “Do you want me to tell him or should you?”
- Race Car Driver
A race car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. “What’s the matter?!? Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed?” he asked. “It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’ Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.’”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver. “Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?’” - A Gay Parrot Joke via the JokeYard
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrott. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.” - Just like Heaven
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. “Mary… Mary…” Awestruck, Mary responds, “Is that you Fred?” “Yes, I have come back like we agreed.” “Well, what is it like?” Fred excitedly tells his tale, “Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day.” So happy Mary says, “Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.” Fred replies, “Hell no, Mary, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”
- SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE courtesy of Laughline
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!” - Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know..
During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubichairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects – while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.
- Fishlips Lorenzo
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?
He says, Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of- a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?
He says, Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.A guy in the back of the shop yells, Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?
He says, No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?
The guy yells, That’s the guy who’s bangin’ your wife while you’re in night school. - Need A Raise
Seeking a raise
I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from People & Quality:After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the order of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
You don’t like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. - Corkscrewed!
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Martin said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.
“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Martin said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.” - Show Him Hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
- Valentine's That Hallmark Didn't Write
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store, In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class, Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.
3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.
2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! - 3 More Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.” - An Ode to Valentine's Day
***I wish I knew who wrote this so I could give them credit.
Hearts and roses and kisses galore…
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So heres my story…what else can I say?
Love bites my ass…Poop on Valentines Day! - Funeral Cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, “Leave them alone, they’re for the funeral!” - A Doctor's Visit
This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on, either.”
- Somebody Better Blow Him
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“Just a quick blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.” - The Drunk Nun
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”
“Sister Mary Katherine, ” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”
“Oh Jack, ” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. “It helps her constipation, you know.”
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!” - Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll text her to make sure.” So he sat down and typed: “Mom, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several moments later, John received a text from his mother which read: “John, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
- urinate
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,”Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!” - BBQ Butt
A woman’s husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, “You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill”. She didn’t say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn’t want to have sex with him, and she said, “Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!?
- Bad News
This poor man went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Shit!” he moaned. “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!” “Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
- Smack a Monkey
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says “Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?” The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up and join them in the front. After playing with it for a minute, he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says “Hey man, do you want some of that?” And the hitch hiker says “Sure, but just don’t smack me so hard.”
- YOUR momma
Little Johnny is walking by his parents bedroom when he hears alot of noise.
He opens the door and sees his dad with mom bent over the dresser having sex.
Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles and winks. He motions for Johnny to leave the room so Little Johnny leaves.
A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnnys bedroom and hears a noise.
He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex.
Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles and winks.
He says to dad:
“It’s not so funny when it YOUR momma, is it?” - Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except — ” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the
‘voodoo dick.’”
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said “Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!”
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo dick, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!” - Regift
A week before Valentine’s Day a young man goes into a posh jewelry store downtown to find a gift for his new girlfriend. After deliberating for a few minutes he decides upon a rather expensive silver locket.
“Do you want me to engrave her name on it?” asks the jeweler.
The young man thought about it for a minute and then said, “No. Just make it say ‘to my one and only love.’ That way, if we break up and she throws it at me in anger, I can always use it again!” - 13 Worst Pick Up Lines
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.
7. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!
8. If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?9. You remind me of a Championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount
you or eat you!10. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
11. Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?
12. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=3D 69?
13. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,
and I’ll put my head in. - 101 Ways To Annoy People
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.” 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
- Dead Relatives
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.” said the friend. “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.” The man looking concerned says, “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” The friend continues, “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!” “Then this month,…” continued, the friend, “Nothing! Not a single dime!”
- ABC's of ex girlfriends
ABC’s of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!C
is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.K
stands for Kill.L
is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.Q
is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.S
stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week. - Guts vs. Balls
The difference between having Guts and having Balls…
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.” - Don't Fart in Bed (jokeyard)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn’t listen to you.
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. - Personal Ads
Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the
singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is
behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.
Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those
descriptions really mean, a subscriber to Laughline has done it for
you!FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish……………… 48
Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic……………. Flat-chested
Average looking……… Ugly
Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………. College dropout
Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit…………. Substance user
Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………… Annoying
Gentle……………… Comatose
Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………. Desperate
Outgoing……………. Loud
Passionate………….. Loud
Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart………. Toothless crone——————————————————————-
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………… Arrogant
Honest……………… Pathological Liar
Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature……………… Until you get to know him
Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s
not interested
Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer - Sales Pitch
When the children filed into class Monday morning they were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell a product and then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30″ she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines and I made $45. I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″ he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip &Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.” Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts. Bless his little heart!
- Signs that you are too drunk...
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmmm.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… - Timmy and Tommy
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out “Ouch you fucking wanker!” later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said “Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.” the priest says “Well, have you tried smacking them?” she said “No, doesn’t the church look down on that?” the priest says “Well, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.” The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says “Well, gimme some fucking waffles.” The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was “Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!”
- If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary
- Mailman's Last Day
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea. - Going to Live Forever
I found a genie in a bottle today. She said she would grant me one wish when I let her out.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”
“You crafty little bastard,” said the genie. - Mom, I'm Gay
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.” His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!” - Fun on a Bus
When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn’t taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time…
1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to share the wealth with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC…)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a cuppy war with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a cuppy is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)
3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!
4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.
5. Two words: Water Pistol
6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes
7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the racetrack in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.
8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.
9. Purchase a megaphone, nuff said.
10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.
11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don’t talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.
12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fired Chicken.
13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can….
14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.
15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.
16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.
17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.
18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.
19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.
20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!
21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn’t get peoples attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.
22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say Never mind… then drive the point home by farting.
23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.
24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say “Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren’t the same these days.”
25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you “If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I’m not picky, either would be fine…”
- New Ears!
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!” - Fun in a Bathroom Stall
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.” - what a man hears...
What a woman says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!What a man hears…
blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! - 30th Birthday
30th Birthday
It was my 30th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me.
She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I figured, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”
I felt a little better – at least someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.
We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. “Sure,” I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday… and there I sat on the couch… naked. - Rich Man Poor Man
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They’re both downtown shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the rich man, “What’d you get your wife this year?” He says, “A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring.” The poor man says, “Why’d you get her both?” The rich man says, “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can take it back happy.” The poor man says, “O.K. That works.” They meet up the next day and the rich man says, “Well what did you get your wife?” The poor man says, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.” The.rich man says, “Why’d you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The poor man says, “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!”
- hairy pits
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, “I love a woman that does aerobics.” The woman replies angrily, “I don’t DO aerobics!” The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, “Then how did you get your leg up so high?”
- Relax
A man and a woman were passionately going at it on a couch when suddenly the phone rings. The woman leaps up to answer it and returns a few minutes later. “Who was it?” he asks and she replies, “My husband.”
“Well, I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?”
“Relax,” she says with a smile,”he’s downtown. Playing poker with you.” - A Retired Husband Has Fun at Walmart
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-mart:Dear Mrs. Smith ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith , are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
- Economic Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It keeps me young and beautiful looking. ,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does the 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’ - Staying Out Late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
- Where Does Intelligence Come From?
A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?” The father replied, “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.”
- Rich Vs. Poor
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penises were?” “Yeah,” says his friend, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play with.”
- Daughter's Purse
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”
So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds a few mini bottles of liquor. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”
So, finally, it’s the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.” - Wrong Answer
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions.” Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, “Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct,” said Mr. White. “Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
- Elderly Love
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, “I can’t do this, I have acute angina”.
The old guy says “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.” - Home Early
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.
While on his way to home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!”
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.” - Airport Lines
A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: “I don’t want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!”
The young agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll try to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first. I’m sure we’ll be able to work things out for you.” The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, “I don’t want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have you attention, please,” her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate.” With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore “Fuck you!”
Without flinching, she smiled an said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too!” - Happy Birthday!!
Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left… The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy” - Lobster and Crab Dinner
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. “We’re sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.
“We’re sorry to inform you, sir,” the policeman said, “we found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay this morning.”
Oh, my God!” said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?
“When we pulled her up,” said the policeman, “she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her.”
“What?” a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. “So, what’s the great news?”
As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.” - My, Aren't We Fancy!
A woman in her 30′s was taking her mother, who was in her 50′s to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, “Don’t we look fancy today”, as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, “Don’t we look fancy today”, while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn’t referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn’t appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don’t know. We’re you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don’t think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don’t have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment…
Daughter: Good Lord Mom, That was your granddaughter’s Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray! - Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,”Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?” - Is That Your Husband?
While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” “No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.” - A Mother's Obsession
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.” - 99 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
21. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
27. You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn’t look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn’t get cramps.
37. Beer doesn’t have a mother.
38. Beer doesn’t have morals.
39. Beer doesn’t go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don’t go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn’t demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won’t run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn’t have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn’t need much closet space.
50. Beer can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn’t make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn’t pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other beers.
66. Beer doesn’t wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn’t mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn’t live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn’t blow you off.
72. Beer doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn’t mind football season.
75. A beer won’t make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a woman.
77. A beer doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
79. A beer doesn’t give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are “cute”.
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won’t smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won’t raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store. - Chicken Farming
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she’d have to go home and think about it and that she’d call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, “I’ve got it… I’m a chicken farmer.”
He said, “How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution.”
She said, “I raised over a thousand cocks last year.” - Saying the Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!! - A Problem for the Little Lady
A female “little person” (see I’m being politically correct) goes into her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, “I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?” “Yeah, it’s really bad whenever it rains,” she replies. “Well, then,” says the Doc, “Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it.”
Two weeks later, it’s raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. “Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!” “Well, let’s have a look,” he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. “Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am, this won’t hurt a bit.”
The vertically challenged lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. “There you go, ma’am, try that.” She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, “That’s great, Doc, what did you do?”
“I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.”
- You Are a Total Redneck if....
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it
- Overheard in a West Virginian Bar
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting
to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada .”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No”, says the Canadian “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi, I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.” - Make it Last an Hour, Please!
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
- Til Death Do Us Part
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter…
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes. - 3 Dead Nuns
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, “You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question.”
So he asks the first nun, “What was the name of the first man that God created?”
“Adam,” she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St.Peter asked the second nun, “What was the name of the first woman that God created?”
“Eve,” the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St. Peter asked the third nun, “What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?”
The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, “Gee, that’s a hard one.” And the lights started flashing, the music started playing…… - Pride in Our Offspring
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn’t amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends! - You Better Hurry!
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.” - Single Lady at the Grocery Store
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
“You must be single.” the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, “Yes I am. How could you tell?”.
“Because you’re ugly”. - Little Johnnie Strikes Again!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
- Bulimic Bachelor Party
How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl. - Electric Trains
Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always playing with them. - It's Conga Time!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home! - Explore Antarctica!
Why is a clitoris like Antarctica?
Most men know its there, but few men really care. - When Insults Had Class
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
- Married Men
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
- Mixed Emotions
What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your Mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car. - Giving Up?
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter”, asked the child, “Giving up?”
- Magic Mike
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best… find a woman with whom he may “commiserate”. After a wild night of getting it on, it’s time for the young lady to leave. As she’s getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, “Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?” Mike thinks for a moment and says, “What the hell, give me the good news.” She tells him, “The good news is that you’re bigger than Magic Johnson.”