Joker Online

Lent Jokes

admin — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 20:40:46 +0000

Lent Jokes

I get the whole sacrifice aspect of Lent, but I don’t think God wants me to be miserable. So there’s no way I’m giving up booze.
Smart kid to dad — “I’m giving up school work for Lent.” Dad to smart kid — “Okay, then I will give up anything giving you an allowance.” Smart kid to dad — “Okay, never mind.”
Headed to sex rehab for Lent!
I’m giving up worthless lovers.
For Lent, I’m giving up giving up things. I’ll take all your beer and chocolate while you people suffer. Ha!
For Lent, I’m giving up self control, abstinence, & sobriety.
40 days of water starts tomorrow … Gonna be hard to give up my favorite beer. But apparently in Lent you get Sundays off. Right?
Is there Lent in my pocket?
My brother thinks he should give up work for Lent.
I’m giving up speaking to people I don’t like for Lent.
This year, as in every year, I’m giving up Lent for Lent.
Screw Lent I already know I’m going to Hell, so I’m not giving up jack!
Giving up salads for Lent, NOT Chocolate, Not Ice Cream, Not Beer.
I’m giving up snow for Lent.
The choices for my Lent giving up are cheeseburgers or drinking. It’s a tough call.
Thank God I don’t celebrate Lent, I would have to give up my mistress, and we all know how hard that can get, right? Right? Ask John Edwards!
I’m giving up nothing for Lent. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
I’m giving up vodka for Lent. But not beer.
Ummmmm … thinking if I should give up drinking for lent! No !!!
I am giving up Lent this year. I like to do my bit. Can someone let me know when it is over so I can stop giving it up. Thanks.

A Joke for the Lent Season

admin — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:35:31 +0000

Boudreaux walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know Boudreaux, a pint goes flat after I pour it; wouldn’t you rather I pour fresh pints for you, one at a time?” Boudreaux replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in Nova Scotia, and the other, in France, and me, mais I’m from Louisiana. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Boudreaux becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When Boudreaux goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “Hey Boudreaux, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” Boudreaux looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs and says: “Oh, no, no, no, arrybody’s ‘s fine. I’ve just given up beer for Lent.”

Man Translator

admin — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:33:23 +0000

1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.

4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?

6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. “It’s really a good movie.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.

17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.

22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.

24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Rotten Cherry via Dirty Jokes

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:47:09 +0000

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss… when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked “when is the last time you’ve had sex?” the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt…Your cherry has rotted”

Follow the Leader

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:09:14 +0000

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”

Crack Kills

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:32:49 +0000

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”
“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”
“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…”

Best Feature! via Mickey

admin — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:16:14 +0000

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’ Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’ Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming……that was me.’

Just Like a Woman!

admin — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 13:59:41 +0000

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,”So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

25 Years of Marriage

admin — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:31:01 +0000

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

Farm Follies

admin — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 02:08:34 +0000

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. “What’s the deal?” he asks. His mom says ” You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.” Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says “Do you want me to tell him or should you?”