Joker Online

Classic Disney Joke

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:36:24 +0000

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.
“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,”
proclaimed the judge.
“But your Honor,” he said, “I didn’t say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was fucking Goofy!”

The Stock Show

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:15:14 +0000

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.” The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

Orange Penis

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 14:20:54 +0000

A guy goes to a doctor and says,
“Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.”
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange.
Doc tells the guy,
“This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
“How are things going at work?”
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds,
“No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.”
So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
He asks the guy,
“How’s your home life?”
The guy says,
“Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says,
“No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!”
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires,
“Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”
The guy replies, “No, not really.
Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks
and munch on Cheetos!”

democrat check list

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 22:58:56 +0000

You Might Be A Democrat If…

You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”
You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
You can’t talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
You’ve never been mugged.
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
You think the Great Society has actually worked.
You got teary-eyed during the film “The American President.”
You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
Your High School Year Book goals included the words “help people.”
You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
You know at least one Vegan.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
You’d rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
You think the anti-war protestors from ’60s are the real heroes.
You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer’s stash.
You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
You admire the Swedish welfare system.
You know that Jefferson really meant to say “Entitled to Happiness.”
You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.”

Early Rising

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 16:47:17 +0000

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows “Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!”
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers “LOOSEN RANKS!”
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. “Did that hurt, Mister?” the Captain demands.
“No, SIR!” the recruit shouts.
“Why not?” barks the Captain.
“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, SIR!”
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. “Did that hurt, Mister?”
“No, SIR!”
“Why not?” “Because I’m a U.S. Marine, SIR!”
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. “Did that hurt, Mister?”
“No, SIR!”
“Why not?”
“Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!”

Keep Trying

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 13:25:07 +0000

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?”

Fart Joke

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 01:19:04 +0000

A man went to the doctor and said – “Doctor, whenever I fart there’s no smell”. The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said – “Yes, I think I know what the problem is”, went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked – “Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?”, to which the doctor replied – “I’m going to open the window – you’ve got something wrong with your nose!”.

new car, new life

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:54:47 +0000

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

nuclear power

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 13:19:24 +0000

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

The Fan Club

admin — Tue, 15 May 2012 13:23:35 +0000

A young, handsome man went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asked, “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”